We all need ‘Sushi Tuesdays’: Finding a way forward after suicide

Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, help is available. Dial 988, text or visit 988lifeline.org We provide free and confidential support.

CNN
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When his beloved husband, father, friend, stockbroker and coach, Sam Maya, died by suicide 16 years ago, he left a note. He apologized to her wife Charlotte for burdening her and for telling her and her then two sons, ages 6 and 8, that he loved her.

Charlotte Maya, in her recent heartbreaking memoir, Sushi Tuesday: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Family Resilience, recounts Sam’s life, death, and aftermath. The only purpose was to humanize the suicidal face and help the reader become fluent. as she discusses mental health.

She spent nearly a decade writing “Sushi Tuesday,” starting with a blog of the same name, a tribute to the weekly ritual she created after her husband’s death.

Every Tuesday while the kids went to school, Maya put aside a huge to-do list as a lawyer and as a widowed single parent. Tuesday started with a yoga class, followed by therapy, and then perhaps everything she needed most, like going back to bed, going on a hike, or going to a sushi lunch by herself.

I met Maya at a memoir workshop last year. I have a family history of her mental illness and suicide, so I resonated with her work and her motivation to share her story.

In 2021, suicide will be the second leading cause of death among Americans ages 10 to 34, the fifth leading cause of death among Americans ages 35 to 54, and the 11th leading cause of death nationwide, with more than 48,000 deaths, according to the Center for the Americas. took the life of Disease control and prevention.

According to the CDC, the male suicide rate in 2021 will be nearly four times higher than the female suicide rate. According to Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, a psychiatrist and research fellow at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, the hypothesis is that men typically choose more effective and lethal means, such as firearms, to accomplish suicide. It is backed up by research.

Additionally, men are less likely to seek treatment for depression because of gendered expectations that equate masculinity with emotional asceticism, Nadkarni said.

Suicide is a national health crisis, but when we hear stories of such losses, we often associate each death with the unique problems faced by the deceased, such as financial or legal issues, Maya said. I think it’s my fault.

These stressors do not explain suicide, she says. “A lot of people don’t kill themselves when they lose money. They understand things.”

When her husband died, Maya knew he had back pain and was stressed about work and money, but she didn’t think these things would lead to suicidal thoughts. . In her retrospect, she can now find clues, including that he reviewed her suicide note shortly before he died.

“After Sam died, I wanted to turn the clock back,” she said. “I had a strong feeling that if I could go back to that morning, everything might have been different. It’s hard to see Sam failing.”

“When I say Sam made a mistake, what I mean is always that he didn’t ask for help,” Maya said. “It’s hard to say you’re in pain when you’re in pain, so let your loved ones know that you can help.”

A 2014 review of the academic literature published in the journal Psychological Medicine found that asking people directly about their suicidal thoughts may decrease rather than increase them.

This requires people to look for and notice signs that others may be struggling, such as changes in mood, behavior, appetite, sleep habits, or letting go of treasured possessions.

Being outspoken about mental health has become a trademark of Maya’s single parenting. She wanted her sons to “live full and productive lives, not defined by their father’s suicide, not limited by his father’s suicide, nor neglected by her father’s suicide.”

Her sons grieved their father in their own ways, from denials (some pretending he was on an extended business trip) to a raging episode that ended in tears when a Lego set was destroyed. Maya shared her grief about the “father space in her heart” but promised that one day she would be able to say, “I survived my father’s suicide. I can do anything.”

“It can be awkward to say yes when people ask you for help,” Maya said. “I was so shocked and overwhelmed that I just said yes. I encourage people to do that. Let people come and help you.”

With so much support from the Mayan village, she struggled to decide which of her friends would become a full-fledged character in “Sushi Tuesday” and who would make a cameo.

She addressed this challenge and the confusion caused by many of her friends whose names begin with J by cleverly referring to them collectively as “Janes”. Given her background as a lawyer, she thought of them as Jane Doe No. 1, Jane Doe No. 2, and so on.

In this book, readers will meet Jane, the district attorney who helped with the coroner’s office; Jane, the engineer who got the boys to school on time every day; Meet Jane.

One of the friends who is identified as “Beth” rather than “Jane” in the story is Katherine Tushev, a college friend at Rice University. When Sam Maya died, Tashev was a single mother living frugally in Brooklyn and unable to travel to California. So she did what she could. She wrote an email to her friend. And one more thing. And one more thing. Mornings and nights for 365 days after Sam’s death.

The emails were always heartfelt and sincere, often with a touch of black humor. “We want you to know that Sam came last in an informal poll we conducted on whose husbands were most likely to commit suicide,” Tashev wrote.

Almost immediately, Charlotte Maya replied, “Did you die last?”

This kind of joke got Maya so excited that she told her therapist to “call 911” if she lost her sense of humor. Finding her moments of lightness helped her stay human, she said. “Humor doesn’t counteract a devastating situation,” Maya told me. “Just as gratitude can’t counteract fear. The key is to have the ability to hold both.”

In 2014, seven years after her husband’s death, Maya felt ready to write about surviving her husband’s suicide. Ms. Tashev acted with her natural quickness and within an hour had her Sushituesdays.com blog and her site up and running.

By then Maya had met and married the most eligible widow in town. This man is now called Mr. Page 179 because that’s where he appears in the book. They each brought two sons into their marriage. (Coincidentally, they each had a child named Daniel, and now have two Daniels.)

Maya continues to cherish Tuesdays with therapy, yoga, hiking with friends, and the occasional sushi lunch.

She encourages everyone, especially single parents and those coping with anxiety and depression, to have the same kindness to “treat themselves with the same compassion they would treat a dear friend,” even for an hour. I recommend setting up a weekly habit.

According to psychologist Lauren Curwin, the coping mechanisms Maya resorted to in her grief may further explain the gender gap in suicide rates.

Men were less likely to have or engage with strong support networks when they were stressed or distressed, and were less likely to use maladaptive coping strategies such as substance abuse and isolation. It’s highly likely, Mr. Kerwin said.

Social connections and seeking professional help are important in preventing suicide.

“We now understand better than ever the neuroinflammatory basis of depression. They are helping me,” said Nadkarni, a psychiatrist in Boston.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recommends that if you spot the warning signs or are worried about someone in distress, consider yourself the only one to help. Find time to speak privately and listen. Tell people how important your life is to you and ask them directly if they are considering suicide. Then call or text 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline to access the National Suicide Hotline, contact a doctor or therapist, or recommend that you seek treatment.